The past two months I have been traveling almost nonstop. And the vegan options have been limited throughout. So, I did something only a fellow bad vegan lady might understand—I ate a pizza with a fried cheese and a fried egg!
GASP.
And honestly, I never wanted another soul to out. I have one friend who always jokes that he is the vegan police. Even though we both laugh when he says it, I immediately looked over my shoulder with guilt in my eyes the moment I sunk my teeth into that melted cheese. But still I ate the pizza. All of it. Well mostly. And for dessert I had a huge bag of mixed emotions.
Even as I ate the pizza, I felt inner turmoil and conflict. I had ordered no cheese, and yet the pizza came out with cheese. Do I send it back like I had just a week earlier at another pizza place? Do I not? Should I just pick the cheese off? Do I eat it anyways? Does that make me a terrible vegan? A terrible person? Will eating this make me a fraud?
Wow. Like I said, turmoil and conflict. I explored my feelings some while eating, and eventually ended up picking the cheese off halfway through. But I still have more exploring to do now.
I was tired of messed up orders, delayed eating and mostly bland food. The places I have been traveling have been far from vegan-friendly, and most of the veg options consist of just chopped veg—except Zanzibar.
Zanzibar is vegan heaven!
So, when the pizza came out with cheese, I decided I would just enjoy it. And I did for about the first bite. The cheese was rich and melty up until bite 3 or 4. By then my mind took over and I started to feel heavy. This is food that I know slows me down, clogs me up and creates a cloud of haze throughout my day. Why was I putting it into my body?
I began questioning where the milk that made the cheese came from. Where was the baby cow that I took it from? And what about mama cow, where was she? By the time I got to the second slice, I was no longer enjoying the pizza. Yet, I still somehow continued to eat 3 more slices with cheese.
Poor snack planning paired with being stuck on overcrowded public transit left me with an empty stomach. As if on autopilot, I just kept putting food in my mouth. But I couldn’t shake the queston, why am I doing it?
Even though I wasn’t enjoying the cheesy pizza, I just kept eating. Finally, something kicked in and I picked off all the cheese, piled it on a separate plate and finished my now cheeseless pizza.
I thought about how I was a bad vegan. And I thought about how I had contributed to suffering for the benefit of my tasting pleasure (which actually turned out far less pleasurable than expected—like biting into a brightly colored apple only to find it melt to mealy mush in my mouth). I felt horrible, like a fraud. No joke, after 4+ years of being vegan I was tempted to consider myself a hypocrite. And that’s when I remembered the book I had just finished, Sistah Vegan. I love how this book brings to light the experiences of multiple WOC as they make their journies towards more compassionate living. And each story is a reminder that it is all a process and there is no one perfect way to do it.
Sometimes we partake in actions that go against our beliefs, but that s not a reason to lose ourselves in despair. It is instead, an opportunity to re-question why we held such a belief and reaffirm our commitment to our values.
Yes, I am still a vegan even though I ate a pizza with cheese on it. No, the fact that I have had 2 eggs in 2017 does not mean I am no longer a vegan. Veganism is not a doctrine or a set of laws that you are required to keep. The vegan police won’t lock you away if you happen to take a sip of someone’s amarula. Veganism is a journey through life that leads to more compassion. And there is certainly room for growth along the way.
This whole pizza endeavor humbled me and reminded me I’m not perfect (nor should I expect myself to be). This experience also reminded me to stay prepared so that I can live into the kind and compassionate person I already am. It reminded me to carry snacks to curb the hunger while traveling and to double check with the waiter while ordering. And most importantly, it reminded me that being honest along the way creates space for people to feel safe and free to embark on this journey as well.
I’m a Bad Vegan Lady, but I hope you’ll understand. And let the adventures continue!
I loved this honest piece!!